17 August 2015

why I will never ask when you're having a baby.

The question. It inevitably happens once you've been married a couple years...whoever it may be, friends, family strangers...they still ask.

"When are babies coming around?"  "Are you thinking about starting a family/ having another?" "Doesn't he/she needs a little sibling?"

I've been asked that many times since I've been married and its seems like once Winslow hit 1 year, a few random people have asked me when he's getting a sibling.

What seems like such an innocent question, can take some of us to a not so happy place.

My husband and I were extremely blessed that when we started thinking about having children, we got pregnant the first month we started trying.  It surprised us both, really, but we were so excited and probably a little naive to the whole "process".  (Raising a child etc).  I announced my pregnancy to the world around 8 weeks along and not once did I ever have any worrysome thoughts or apprehensions about the little life growing inside of me.  Which is great, I don't wish that any mother-to-be would have negative thoughts about the process of carrying a child, but now that I've been through loss, my mindset has changed...whether I like it or not.

So once Winslow started nearing his 1st birthday, we had "the talk" again.  I wanted my children close together ( a little less than or around 2 years apart because that's how my brothers and I were spaced) It just felt normal to me.  So we casually started trying for our second in July of 2014.

A couple months passed with no positive test, and all was fine.  We celebrated Winslow's first birthday and then swiftly moved to Florida for hubby's new job.  Life was busy, but good.

3 more months passed with no luck and I was starting to get a little antsy.  I wanted another child so bad and was feeling like it just wasn't working out.  I remember getting so sad each month when it wouldn't happen.  I think it's harder once you have a child when it doesn't happen, since you know what you're missing out on.  You have experienced the pure joy a child brings.  So those three months went by pretty slow and I was getting discouraged.  Christmas came and still, I wasn't pregnant.  By this time,  6 months had passed.  That's really not a long time when you think about those who experience long term infertility, but it still was hard for me.  I wasn't used to having to wait so long for something I wanted so bad.

W and I flew to Texas to visit family and while we were there, I took a pregnancy test.  Trying not to get my hopes up, I suddenly saw the plus sign!  I couldn't believe it, I was so happy, and told my husband immediately.  We were overjoyed.

Fast forward a month to around Valentine's Day...we were driving back from a family trip to NC and I started spotting.  After going to the doctor on February 17th, he confirmed my loss.  It was a horrible week.  The one thing I'd been waiting for for 8 months, was gone.

I remember being at Publix that week grocery shopping and an older woman came up to Winslow and starting talking to him.  "When are you going to be getting a little sister?" She asked.  It took everything in me not to fall on the floor and sob.    Yes, I understand she didn't mean anything by it, but she also had no idea what had happened just days before.

So all of that to say, I will never ask a women when she's planning on having kids, more kids, or why she doesn't have XYZ kids.  It's just something that I hope you can understand.  A simple sentence can bring someone to a place they'd rather not be.  Whether it be infertility, infant loss, or they just don't want children..it's a question that can just break you down.

I have friends who've been through miscarriage. I have friends who cannot have children on their own.  I have friends who get pregnant just by looking at their spouse.  I have friends who have lost more than one child.  It's hard no matter the struggle.

I don't say all of this to make you feel bad if you have asked those questions.  I have asked them too.  I just want you to know where I stand on the topic and why I won't ever be asking someone these questions.  Of course, if you're my close friends and we've talked on the subject before, that is different.  But just be aware that questions like these, although innocent to you, may not be for others.

Praise the Lord, our darkness has been turned to light and I am expecting again.  But it took another 4 months after my miscarriage to conceive again, making it 14 months of trying for baby #2.  This pregnancy has been completely different than my first.  I am way more hesitant, I worry more, I pray more, and I am showing more! ;)  But it puts me on my knees more, which is where I need to be.  I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to become pregnant again and I will never take for granted the miracle of life.

Hope this post didn't make you upset, but instead just helped you to understand a little bit more about my story.

1 comment:

  1. Girl this is such a great post. The day I found out I was having my first miscarriage, I specifically remember my (female) boss saying to me "well aren't miscarriages common or something". That has stuck with me through the years. I get asked all of the time if I'm having more children. I think people have forgotten how personal that question is.