22 April 2015

Living in fear.


So it's been over 2 months since my miscarriage.  Some days it seems like yesterday that it happened, and some days it seems like 2 years ago.  I've been so lucky for the support shown to me through here, facebook, instagram, friends and family but it still doesn't take the sting completely away.

I am trying my hardest to not live in a state of constant fear. I have this ongoing mind game (or I really think I should call it the devil) telling me I'll never get pregnant again.  I'll never be able to experience the miracle of childbirth, or will never waddle around eating pickles and ice cream all day.  I'll never feel those little baby kicks in my stomach or hear the pitter patter of the little heartbeat.  I won't get to nurse a sleepy newborn. 

I know all of those things are more than likely not true, and that 1 in 5 women have miscarriages for various reasons.  But my mind sometimes just won't shut off.  Everything I do have those thoughts, I have to just pray.  Pray that the Lord takes those thoughts from my head and hears the desires of my heart.

I am cherishing every single day with my 20 month old toddler who loves wearing cowboy boots, climbs on the kitchen table daily, and blows kisses to strangers.  He really is the apple of my eye.  Every night before I go to bed, I sneak in his room, take a photo of him sleeping, and pray over him.  One day I plan on sharing some of the photos.  He is such a cute little sleeper (and still sleeps 12 hours at night!)

Mr Jones and I have always said we felt called to adopt 1-2 children into our family, so we will be looking into that in the future too, but I still long to carry another child in my belly.  I know it will happen more than likely, but you can't exactly explain the worry/grief/sadness/uncertainty that goes along with a miscarriage unless you've experienced it yourself, unfortunately.

I am just relying on the Lord to provide me with peace and understanding.  He is still good through this all.  

A dear friend sent me a book in the mail called "I Will Carry You" and it has been absolutely life-changing.  Angie Smith, the author, delivered her daughter and she only lived 2 hours. She has many life threatening issues.   Here is a small excerpt from her book:

"I believe that all babies who pass away are in heaven with the Lord.  I would be lying if I said that when I sit in my sewing room staring at her little dress, I am immediately filled with peace because I know where she is.  I am not.  I want her to be here with me, and on many nights that truth has failed to fill the void.  I have beaten myself up many times, wondering why I was moping around when she was perfectly happy.  What kind of Christian does that?

The answer is simple. One who is human.  We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have.  Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees.  And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small.  To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God.  To him Him in spite of our pain is a gift He freely gives to those who will accept it.  Daily I must remind myself that He is not threatened by my doubt nearly as much as He is glorified by my faith  We are vessels of hope, you and I, made in the image of Jesus, breathing in the world as we yearn for him."

I have never heard such words so true.

I am hugging my little boy tighter than ever and thanking God that I have this precious gift of motherhood.  

4 comments:

  1. Before I had my son a year ago, I had two consecutive miscarriages. The second one was so horrible that I had to leave work early via an ambulance. I remember thinking after the second one "this is it something is wrong with me and I will never have children." I was terrified to get pregnant again. I didn't want to experience the loss I felt going through the miscarriage process, or risk another embarrassing ambulance ride, or having to tell co-workers and family that I lost another baby. I now have a beautiful one year old boy and I believe that my husband and I didn't get pregnant with him until we both let go of that fear. Don't hold onto that fear. Give it to God! You will get pregnant again and you will have another baby. Don't let those voices tell you otherwise!

    My husband and I have talked about trying again but we have both let that fear creep back in. Thank you for this post. It has reminded me to put my fears in God's hand and trust His plan for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for these words. They have help a lot! <3

      Delete